How
To Install Software:
1.
Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It
should look something like this:
SYSTEM
REQUIREMENTS
2386
PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8
MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7
MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546
MB RAM
432323
MB ROM
2353700
MB RPM
ANTILOCK
BRAKING SYSTEM
2
TURTLE DOVES
NOTE:
This software will not work on your computer.
2.
Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating,
and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3.
Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch
floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING
AGREEMENT:
By
breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and
conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the
Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the
Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions,
real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the
user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it,
take it or leave it, until death do
us
part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your
servers.
4.
Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5.
If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate
drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6.
Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7.
Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8.
You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The
Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best
way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
A.
YES
B.
SURE
9.
After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very
long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation
programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done,
your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food
processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill
them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10.
When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The
installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and
has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$ %@&*^) $*!#$_$*^&
11.
At this point your computer system should become less functional than the
federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12.
Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and
wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.